Didya Hear the One About the Golfing Grasshopper?

What jokes do comedians find funny? Parade magazine milked that question for years.

Parade was a weekend newspaper magazine supplement. One of its pages was taken up with a little biography of a comic actor or comedian and a number of jokes they supplied that they found funny. At least, I’m presuming they supplied them.

Here’s Jack Benny’s contribution. At least he doesn’t mention the one about the wheelbarrow that he used on his radio show one time. This appeared on October 15, 1961.

My favorite jokes
EDITOR'S NOTE: Jack Benny's 30th consecutive season in network broadcasting and his 12th in television—an unparalleled record which began when his first sponsor signed him for 15 weeks on radio in 1932—gets underway tonight.
The opening show will be video-taped in New York. Jack then moves to Waukegan, Ill., the home town he publicized to world-wide fame, for dedication of the new Jack Benny Junior High School, which will be the scene of his second telecast next week. Waukegan boasts five other such schools: Thomas Jefferson and Daniel Boone junior high schools. Thus the name of the new institution is some indication of the pride and love Waukegan feels for Jack.
Born on February 14, 1894, Jack was originally named Benny Kubelsky, but when he entered show business at the Orpheum Theatre in. St. Louis, he took the name Ben Benny. Since there was then another entertainer called Ben Bernie, the comedian was ordered by the Vaudeville Managers Association to call himself something else. He took the name Jack Benny when sailors entering a St. Louis restaurant hailed him with the greeting, "Hi, Jack."
Benny lives in Beverly Hills with his wife Mary Livingston, whom he married in 1927. They have one daughter, Joan, and two grandchildren.
By JACK BENNY
I'M A SUCKER for talking animal stories. Here's one of my favorites:
It was the final game of the World Series. The Dodgers were wracked with injuries to their key players. Defeat was a certainty, it seemed, but manager Leo Durocher had something up his sleeve. His team was trailing by three runs. It was the last of the ninth with two away. Durocher signaled to the dugout for a pinch hitter. Out walked a horse with nerves of steel and a Dodger uniform. After a few practice swings the horse took his stance at the plate. The Yankee pitcher worked the count to three and two. With the next pitch the horse belted the ball out of the park. It was, by far, the longest-hit home run in the history of baseball. The crowd jumped to its feet in frenzy. Panic had broken loose.
But the horse stood still at home plate.
"Run," screamed the fans.
Their shouts were echoed by the Dodger players, who had streamed out of the dugout.
Durocher rushed to the horse.
"Run," he pleaded.
"Don't be stupid," came the deadpan reply. "If I could do that, I'd be at Santa Anita."
RECENTLY BOB HOPE left the bar at Lakeside Country Club. He was about to tee off when he looked down and saw a grasshopper sitting beside his golf ball. Hope, a friendly fellow wanting to be sociable, said; "Did you know, old fellow, they've named a drink after you?"
"Irving?" asked the grasshopper incredulously.
A GREAT WHITE HUNTER had just returned from a three-year safari. He was regaling members of his private club with some of his harrowing experiences, when one of his cohorts interrupted:
"As I recall," said the listener, "you stood well over 6 feet in height when you left and now you're only 18 inches tall. What caused this?"
"I don't know for sure," came the reply, "but it's the last time I'll ever insult a witch doctor."
A NOUVEAU RICHE COUPLE decided they should start spending in a grand manner. For a starter they made reservations on the most expensive round-the-world cruise. They were assigned the largest and most expensive suite on the ship.
As is the custom, the captain checked the passenger list for likely candidates to sit at his table. He was told the couple were not only booked into the best accommodation, but had filled half the luggage space with their trunks and baggage. It was the captain's decision that they most assuredly would qualify for a place of honor at the head table.
He sent the steward with an invitation to the couple to join him at dinner.
To the steward's amazement the couple were shocked and insulted. "We've spent a fortune to get the best of everything on this ship," shouted the husband, "and now we're expected to eat with the crew!"
THE HONEYMOON is really over when he phones to say he'll be late for dinner . . . and she's already left a note saying his TV dinner is in the freezer. . .
I LIKE THE ONE ABOUT the Englishman who says to the waiter, "Didn't you hear me say, 'Well done'?" The waiter (ignoring the blood-red steak) absentmindedly answers: "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. It's seldom we get any thanks."
A DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND was complaining about the short dresses being worn by women. "What would people say," he asked a leading banker, if it was your wife who was gallivanting around showing her knees?"
"I imagine they'd say," sighed the banker, "that I must have married her for her money."
I REMEMBER THIS STORY about George Gershwin: This great composer was an avid golfer. Playing on an unfamiliar course one day he just couldn't get going. He registered a 9 on the first hole and an 8 on the second. "I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong," he fretted. "Mister," volunteered the caddy, "you just ain't got rhythm."