Fred Allen's Side of the Jack Benny Feud

Somewhere close to 1 o’clock in the morning on December 31, 1936 (Eastern time), radio history was made. That’s when Fred Allen, in New York City, ad-libbed a crack on his Town Hall Tonight show about the ineptness of Jack Benny’s violin playing. Benny was listening on KFI in Los Angeles (it being around 10 p.m. on December 30th Pacific time).

Benny responded with a line directed at Allen during the tag of his own programme on January 3rd. With that their feud was on, supposedly climaxing with a “fight of the century” on Benny’s show of March 14, 1937, but it carried on, surviving Allen’s programme that left the air in 1949.

Benny devoted whole shows to the feud. In 1937, Allen’s Town Hall was an hour-long broadcast with a number of different elements so all he could do was write what the scripts call a “Benny insert.” Some of these Allen broadcasts may not be in circulation. Fortunately, radio historian Kathy Fuller-Seeley dug through Alley’s scripts at the Boston Public Library and made photocopies. So, here are a few of them.

A notation by Kathy on the script of January 6, 1937 was that no reference to Benny was made. Clearly there was, as there was a response as a running gag, complete with Benny doing an impression of Allen, on Benny’s show of January 10th. Perhaps the Allen file only has the East Coast script and Allen wrote something for his West Coast repeat broadcast, the one Benny would hear. So, let’s move ahead.

Update from July 17, 2024: There were references to Benny on the Jan. 6th show. They were in the unscripted talent portion in the second half hour. An excellent dub of that programme was surfaced at the archive.org website. NOW, let’s move ahead.

“PORT” refers to Portland Hoffa, Allen’s wife and stooge. “JOHN” is John Brown, who spent time off and on with Allen, portraying John Doe in the original version of Allen’s Alley. He specialised in low-life Brooklyn characters. Brown moved to the West Coast and continued radio, TV and film work before he got caught up in the insidious blacklist. “CHAS” is Charlie Cantor, another long-time Allen secondary player who was Socrates Mulligan in early incarnations of the Alley. He left for Duffy’s Tavern, where he played Clifton Finnegan. Benny radio fans may recall him as the nelly married man Logan Jerkfinkle on a few episodes. “Peter” is Allen’s orchestra leader, Peter Van Steeden. The copy with lines through it is dialogue that was cut. The copy in italics was hand-written on the final script.

JANUARY 13, 1937
BENNY BIT.......Fred Allen
(START “TOWN HALL” VARIETIES”)
ALLEN: Thank you, now the first artists we welcome this... You have just heard Miss Merrill Lee singing Taint Good. And now—
PORT: Mr. Allen.
ALLEN: Go away, Portland.
PORT: I want to tell......
ALLEN: You’ve been on already. Are you getting absentminded?
PORT: No. There’s a man to see you. He says it’s important.
ALLEN: I’m busy, Portland if it’s somebody who wants a dime for a cup of coffee.. Tell him I’ve done away with the middleman. There’s a percolator in my overcoat pocket he can help himself. Tell him to—
PORT: You’d better tell him. He’s right here.
JOHN: Yes. It won’t take a minute, Mr. Allen.
ALLEN: Oh! You want to see me, mister? What is it? Do you want to see me?
JOHN: Yes. I hate to butt in.
ALLEN: That’s just what you’re doing.
JOHN: I know. I hate to do it...but I’m doing it. That’s me all over. No will power.
ALLEN: Don’t worry. You won’t be tempted here. Well, what is it? What is it you want to see me about?
JOHN: Jack Benny.
ALLEN: Oh!
JOHN: I heard his program last Sunday night.
ALLEN: So...you’re the one.
JOHN: No. There was another man with me. He heard it, too. Now what’s all this trouble you’re having with Jack Benny?
ALLEN: There’s no trouble, mister.....
JOHN: Petrie.
ALLEN: There’s no trouble, Mister Petrie. Jack just said he could play The Bee on his violin, when he was ten years old, and I didn’t think he could. That’s all. Last Sunday, Jack got off on the wrong argument. He said I just happened to say one night that Jack couldn’t play a number called The Bee on his violin. That’s all. Last Sunday Jack said he could play the Flight of the Bumble Bee.
JOHN: That’s a different tune, ain’t it?
ALLEN: Yes. He’s off on the wrong argument. The number I meant is The Bee is by Shubert. And The Flight of the Bumble Bee is by two other fellows Rimsky and Karsakoff.
JOHN: A couple of foreigners, eh?
ALLEN: From what I can understand...you know the lowdown in As a matter of fact, the talk in musical circles....is that Rimsky and Karsakoff heard Jack trying to play Shubert’s Bee and that’s why they wrote their Bee In Flight.
JOHN: To give the bee a chance to get away, eh?
ALLEN: Yes. Now, Mr. Petrie, as man to man, I’m giving myself the best of it perhaps...But did you ever hear Jack Stuff Benny play The Bee on his violin?
JOHN: Well. I heard him play somethin in a vaudeville theatre in Waukegan one time.
ALLEN: Was it The Bee?
JOHN: Couldn’t a been. When he finished playin his violin was covered with somethin but it wasn’t honey. Looked more like tomatoes to me.
ALLEN: I see. With those tomatoes hanging on it his E string must have looked like a vine.
JOHN: I ain’t here to stool pigeon, Allen.
ALLEN: Well......
JOHN: You fellers ought to quit this arguin, Allen. All Waukegan is agog. The Chamber of Commerce sent me down here as a committee of one to straighten this thing out.
ALLEN: Oh! Are you from Waukegan, Mr. Petrie?
JOHN: Yes. I’m in the Post Office there. At the General Delivery window.
ALLEN: Yeah?
JOHN: Right across from the second spittoon as you come in the door.
ALLEN: Then you’re probably just the man I want to see. Did you know Jack in Waukegan when he was ten years old?
JOHN: Say....I knew Jack Benny back in Waukegan when he was knee-high to a cricket.
ALLEN: Knee-high to a cricket?
JOHN: Yes. Grasshoppers were scarce in Waukegan. Sure Did.
ALLEN: Well. You ought to be able to settle this whole thing in two seconds. Could Jack play the bee on his violin when he was ten years old?
JOHN: No!
ALLEN: Can you prove it?
JOHN: Prove it? I been runnin the general delivery window in the Waukegan post office for forty years. You see—Jack Benny started takin violin lessons through the mail.
ALLEN: You mean he had his lessons come general delivery.
JOHN: He had to. That’s right. His family wouldn’t let him practise in the house.
ALLEN: I can imagine.
JOHN: I can see Jack now. He’d toddle into the post office draggin his violin. I’d give him his lesson and he’d practise right there in front of my general delivery window.
ALLEN: What did he play?
JOHN: Got a violin?
ALLEN: Do you play, Mr. Petrie?
JOHN: I never had a violin in my hands but I can show you what Benny played any day.
ALLEN: Peter! Will you lend Mr. Petrie a violin?
CHAS: Yes, Fred. Here!
ALLEN: Thank you. Here you are Mr. Petrie.
(VIOLIN STRINGS TWANG)
JOHN: This one’s got four strings on it.
ALLEN: Yes. All violins have four strings.
JOHN: Benny’s violin only had two.
ALLEN: Never mind. Just show us what Jack played around the post office back in Waukegan when he was ten years old.
JOHN: Oker-Doker. Here she goes.
(VIOLIN PLAYS BEGINNER’S EXERCISES)
ALLEN: Thank you, Mr. Petrie. That will be plenty.
JOHN: I guess that settles the argument, don’t it?
ALLEN: You bet it does. If that’s the bee...I’m Koussevitsky.
JOHN: Well. I gotta be goin. Which way is Waukegan from here?
ALLEN: Just go out that first door...and keep left. Ladies and gentlemen...There is nothing we can add to Mr. Petrie’s story. The bee was may have been played by a ten year old boy on this program but his name was not...Jack Benny. And now getting back to our guests......

The following week, Allen tosses in an inside joke. The reference to “Boasberg” refers to Al Boasberg, who was Benny’s script doctor until he suddenly died in June 1937. Cantor is playing in Jewish dialect here. My favourite line is a real subtle one. When Cantor talks about Allen being a toothpaste salesman, Allen responds “That’s only the half of it.” It’s true. Half of Allen’s show was sponsored by Ipana toothpaste and the other half by Sal Hepatica laxative.

JANUARY 20, 1937
TOWN HALL TONIGHT (AUDITION) (BENNY BIT)
ALLEN: Thank you. And now? Before presenting the first of our guests, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to clean up a little extraneous business that has been popping up.....on the program....Helter skelter....As the saying goes every Wednesday night for the past few weeks....I refer to what, in French, we would call l’affaire Benny. Last Sunday, the this impetuous and self-styled virtuoso, Mr. Benny, showed a picture of himself playing the “BEE” at the age of ten. A new low in composite photographic skulduggery, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Benny could have waiting for television and the entire country could have seen what the picture looked like. But...no....the picture was exhibited in a dinky, ill lighted West Coast radio studio to a hand-picked studio audience consisting of fifteen men named Boasberg. We are coping with a cutie, ladies and gentlemen, but we are prepared. We’ll show this pixie who is running the dell. We’ll show you exactly what this picture was. Tonight, we have spared no expense to bring you the man who took this picture of Jack Benny holding the violin when he was ten years old. Mr. DeWitt Levee.
(APPLAUSE)
CHAS: Thank you.
ALLEN: Put down the applause sign, Mr. Levee.
CHAS: Better I’m holding it. I’m not going flat if I’ll finish.
ALLEN: All right. Now Mr. Levee. Where is your home?
CHAS: Waukegan, Illinois.
ALLEN: What do you do in Waukegan?
CHAS: I am running...strictly by appointment...the Bide A Wee combination pawn shop and photograph gallery delicatessen.
ALLEN: I’ve never heard of a combination pawn shop and photograph gallery. Pawnshop and delicatessen. What kind of sign do you use outside of the store?
CHAS: Three meat balls.
CHAS: Why not? It’s my own idea. So many people are hocking valuables and never coming back.
ALLEN: I know. But where does the photograph gallery fit in?
CHAS: By me, let us say for no reason, you are hocking something. I am taking your picture with the article. You are keeping the picture for a souvenir.
ALLEN: I see. Do you ever listen to Jack Benny on the radio?
CHAS: Who else?
ALLEN: Don’t get personal, Mr. Levee. Just answer my questions.
CHAS: Jack Benny! There’s a comedian. You should like to see the day you could hold a candle to Jack Benny.
ALLEN: Wait a minute! I don’t want to hold a candle. Don’t turn this into an arson case, Mr. Levee.
CHAS: Last Sunday, Jack is slaying me. He is calling you a toothpaste salesman.
ALLEN: That’s only the half of it.
CHAS: A toothpaste salesman! Hi! Yi!
ALLEN: Well. At least my samples don’t wobble around.
CHAS: What’s the matter you couldn’t say Jello?
ALLEN: Did he say Ipana last Sunday.
(APPLAUSE)
CHAS: Who’s clapping? What’s going on?
ALLEN: Put down that applause card. You started that.
CHAS: Nu. So what? On a program like this you could use a little applause right now.
ALLEN: Now....Listen...Mr. Levee. At long last you and I are not gathered here tonight to eulogize Jack Benny.
CHAS: Jack Benny. An artist. A scholar.
ALLEN: But not a violin player.
CHAS: Look! I’m giving Jack Benny a little plug. And he can’t take it.
ALLEN: You know what happens if you give Jack a little plug, don’t you.
CHAS: So what happens?
ALLEN: Buck Benny rides again!
CHAS: Oy! Buck Benny. What a cowboy!
ALLEN: Now...Look, Mr. Levee. You were brought here tonight to tell our radio audience about a certain picture.
CHAS: Could I get a word in endwise....Up to now?
ALLEN: Quiet, please! Did you....or did you not....on the afternoon of July 7th, 1904 take a picture of Jack Benny holding his violin.
CHAS: I did.
ALLEN: Where was this picture taken?
CHAS: In the Bide-A-Wee Pawn Shop at Waukegan, Illinois with a Brownie Number Two.
ALLEN: Fine. What was Jack Benny doing in the Bide-A-Wee Pawnshop at the time.
CHAS: He was practising his violin.
ALLEN: He practised his violin in your pawnshop?
CHAS: Where else? You think I am letting the violin out of mine sight.
ALLEN: I see.
CHAS: The violin was in hock, a technical term, but I was letter Jackie come into the pawnshop to practise.
ALLEN: How did you come to take this picture.
CHAS: Confidentially, one day a party is relinquishing for money a Brownie Number Two. Jackie, a little boy, is asking me to take his picture to see if he will coming out a Brownie.
ALLEN: You have one of these pictures with you.
CHAS: Right here. See! It’s Jasha Benny with his violin.
ALLEN: Yes. Uh, huh. Which is Jack?
CHAS: The one that goes in the middle there.
ALLEN: According to this picture he was standing on his head at the time.
CHAS: No. It was me. I was holding the camera upside down.
ALLEN: Ha, Ha. Look at this. He didn’t even know how to hold a violin.
CHAS: Yi! Yi! The strings is underneath.
ALLEN: Not only that. The thin end he’s got stick in his neck.
CHAS: It ain’t right?
ALLEN: No. The fat end of the violin goes under a violin player’s chin to keep his head company.
CHAS: Hi! Yi! A schlemiel!
ALLEN: Now one vital question, Mr. Levee. Was Jack playing the Bee on this violin when you took this picture.
CHAS: Is his right arm blurred?
ALLEN: No. The right arm isn’t blurred.
CHAS: The he wasn’t even playing.
ALLEN: Now, Mr. Levee, you heard Jack play around your pawnshop a good many times.
CHAS: To destruction!
ALLEN: And what did he play?
CHAS: You got a fiddle?
ALLEN Yes....A violin for Mr. Levee, Peter. Thanks. Here you are.
(a KNOCKS ON WOOD)
CHAS: A violin. By me, in hock for this fiddle, you are getting two dollars only after an argument.
ALLEN: Never mind that. Just show us what Jack Benny played around the Bide-A-Wee Pawnshop back in Waukegan.
CHAS: Okay.
(VIOLIN STARTS EXERCISES...GOES INTO “MUZZALTOFF”.....BACK TO EXERCISES)
ALLEN: Thank you, Mr. Levee, you have proved that the Bee was not played by Mr. Jack Benny in your Pawnshop. Thank you.
CHAS: How do I get out now. It’s falling flat.
ALLEN: I’ll Just lift your up this applause card and you beat it.
CHAS: Hokay.
(APPLAUSE)

The following week, there are several references to Benny. There’s one in the “Town Hall News” segment, where Allen tells listeners to stand by for Three Smart Girls, then asks “How do I know you are Three Smart Girls.” The girls, Minerva Pious, Eileen Douglas and Portland Hoffa, jointly reply: “We never listen to Jack Benny, Mr. Allen!” Later, in Portland’s spot, she and Fred kibbitz about New York City making electricity out of garbage. Allen compares a dynamo to a radio: “Imagine throwing a used tongue, a cabbage head and two big ears of corn in your radio and getting a program.” What programme? “Why should I advertise a certain party who’s been throwing six malicious flavors out of radio’s [sic] for years,” he responds. And he carries on with a couple of references to Jack. (Interestingly, this segues into a Southern sketch where one of the characters is named Miss Claghorne. Allen filed that away for future use).

But the main Benny gagging comes in another part of the show, with announcer Harry Von Zell butting in with a disclaimer. There’s another inside joke here, designed for Benny’s ears. One of the characters is “Myrt Plum.” Jack’s business manager at the time was Myrt Blum, who happened to be his brother-in-law (he was married to Mary’s sister Babe Marks).

JANUARY 27, 1937
(JACK BENNY BIT) TOWN HALL ADDITION
ALLEN: Before presenting our first guest, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to mention a gentleman....and the word gentleman is used loosely here....Cad might better be the word...even cad isn’t the word but it will have to do. I would like to mention a Cad who, although he is no cupid, has seen fit to remove some pointed shafts from his verbal quiver and “ping” them at me from the West Coast. I won’t stoop to mention his name....But....He is a picture star...His initials are J.B....and I don’t mean John Bunny Barrymore. Last Sunday, J.B., on a cowboy radio program— referring to my profile, said that there was a limit to what the makeup man could for me when I come out to Hollywood to make a picture for Mr. Zanuck this summer. All right. I’ll admit I’m no middle Ritz Brother. I know that the stork flew backwards so he wouldn’t have to confront me in case the bundle flew open....but...why did moving picture theatres recently give mothers...taking their children into the theatres....a portable closet with each ticket. I’ll tell you why! So that when Mr. J.B. came on the screen the little kiddies could run into the portable closets and hide until this grotesque Punchinello had worked himself into a lap-dissolve. Still I had hoped he could keep this altercation on a dignified plane—but—If Mr. J.B. wants to get personal, all right. I quote from a Hollywood gossip column....Quote.....what radio and movie star was seen trying to get into a grapefruit-skin so that he could go to a masquerade as a little squirt...Unquote. J.B. isn’t exactly little but a big squirt would spoil the joke. All I said, originally, ladies and gentlemen, was that Mr. J.B.
HARRY: The character J.B. is entirely fictional, folks, and any incident that might be construed as having reference to any living person....or Jack Benny....is entirely coincidental....signed....the management.
ALLEN: I only said that when J.B. was ten years old he couldn’t play the Bee on his violin. Tonight...I will go even farther. I shall Statistics don’t lie ladies and gentlemen and tonight statistics will prove conclusively that J.B. will never play the Bee on his violin. Statistics don’t lie, ladies and gentlemen, and tonight cold, ruthless statistics will prove that if you ever want to hear the Bee played on the violin you had better hitch your wagon to a violinist whose initials are not J.B. So much for venom....and now for the statistics, first At this time...I present Mr. Myrt Plum, vice-president of the Neapolitan Insurance Company. Mr. Plum.
JOHN: Yes, Mr. Allen.
ALLEN: As an insurance man you have a thorough knowledge of the life span in different parts of the world.
JOHN: Yes. Our insurance charts are authentic and complete.
ALLEN: If I ask you the life expectancy of a person you can tell me approximately how long the person will live.
JOHN: Oh yes! If you’re a Hindu, aged ten, under normal conditions your life expectancy is 48 point 5. That means you’ve got less than half a chance to live to be eleven.
ALLEN: This part isn’t a Hindu.
JOHN: Is he white?
ALLEN: Yes. He’s scared most of the time.
JOHN: Does he smoke cigars?
ALLEN: If you put a cigar down he’ll take it up from where you left off. Yes.
JOHN: Drink?
ALLEN: No. But he might as well. He always looks that way.
JOHN: I see. What month was he born in?
ALLEN: May.
JOHN: Under Gemini, eh? Where was he born?
ALLEN: Waukegan, Illinois.
JOHN: How old is he now?
ALLEN: About thirty-five.
JOHN: What business is he in?
ALLEN: No business. But he plays the violin.
JOHN: I see. No business playing the violin, eh?
ALLEN: And how! He’s got no business.
JOHN: Well. According to our Neapolitan Life chart this party should live sixty-nine more years....and six months.
ALLEN: If he’s thirty-five today he’ll live to be 104 and six months.
JOHN: Unless he plays the violin in public. Yes.
ALLEN: Thank you, Mr. Plum. And now from the South Bend Conservatory of Music I present professor Gustave Strad. Professor Strad, you are an authority on the violin.
CHAS: (DUTCH) Yes, Mr. Allen.
ALLEN: Are you familiar with a musical composition known as “Love in Bloom?”
CHAS: I am. Yes.
ALLEN: Are you also familiar with Shubert’s immortal masterpiece [sic]...The Bee.
CHAS: Bee as in Benny?
ALLEN: No. That’s what the whole argument is about. There is no Bee in that Party. It’s Shubert’s Bee.
CHAS: Bee as in something else?
ALLEN: Yes. As in to be or not.....I forget the rest of it. Shubert’s Bee.
CHAS: Ach, yes! I know Shubert’s Bee very well.
ALLEN: Good. Now, in your expert estimation, professor, how long would it take an alleged violinist who today can barely play “Love in Bloom” to render Shubert’s Bee?
CHAS: Speaking as an expert I would say....Three times as long.
ALLEN: In other words. If a man was thirty-five today and could barely play “Love in Bloom”. By the time he could play The Bee....
CHAS: He would be three times as old.
ALLEN: He’d be 105.
CHAS: To the day.
ALLEN: Thank you, Professor. That concludes my argument, Ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Myrt Plum, the insurance expert says:
JOHN: This man will live to be 104 years and six months of age.
ALLEN: Professor Gustave Strad says:
CHAS: He will never play the Bee until he is 105.
ALLEN: So you see, Ladies and gentlemen, statistics prove that Mr. J.B. will never play the Bee. He will be gone six months before he even masters the entire number. I thank you! rest my case.

To be honest, I find some of the feud to be pretty weak at the outset. However, once Benny changed writers to Tackaberry-Josefsberg-Perrin-Balzer and they got used to the show and its character relationships, the material got funnier. And Allen’s got better, too, with some very clever puns, and the famous King For a Day sketch which violated one of Allen’s no-nos and played to the studio audience to get laughs. And when the two got together on Benny’s show, there were off-the-cuff chuckles and commentary on the script by both. By the time the 1950s rolled around, and Allen was struggling with his health and finding a place on television, the nastiness was gone from the feud and the two behaved like a bickering old vaudeville team, which was a lot funnier than the 1930s name-calling.

Even after Allen was gone, Benny was linked to him. Jack would pull out his Allen impression on The Tonight Show and other talk shows. And the loving feud was one of the many things mentioned in obituaries when Jack Benny died 18 years after Fred Allen.