Mary Livingstone Meets Jack Benny

Mention the name “Jack Benny” and you’ll probably think of a guy who pretended to be 39 years old when he was considerably older, who kept his money in a vault and yelled for his servant Rochester. That’s what the Jack Benny character became, but in the early days of his radio career, he was someone else entirely.

Benny was hired by Canada Dry and its ad agency, N.W. Ayer, to act as a droll master of ceremonies on a half-hour variety programme featuring the music of bandleader George Olsen and his vocalists, including Olsen’s wife Ethel Shuttá. On the very first show, Benny and his writer Harry Conn hit on something revolutionary (at least the trade papers gave them credit)—they would sell their sponsor’s product by being completely dismissive about it. People tuned in to hear how Benny would make fun of Canada Dry. Before long, he was making fun of current movies and current affairs, to big audiences.

But during this time, there was no Rochester. Singer Dennis Day was in high school, not radio. Mel Blanc didn’t play a rattle-trap Maxwell or anything else. Benny’s radio “gang” was built piece by piece over the 1930s. The first piece was the character of Mary Livingstone, played by Benny’s wife, Sadye Marks. She didn’t start out as a sarcastic observer of Benny’s BS. That developed over the years. She started out as a gushing fan.

July 27, 1932 marked Mary’s first appearance on the twice-weekly Benny show, almost three months after it started on the air. An audio dub of the broadcast is not in circulation. It was thought that no copies of the script existed but dogged researcher Kathy Fuller Seeley managed to unearth one at the Library of Congress and we present it to you below. Unfortunately, one page is missing; presumably it was not scanned.

Noted critic John Crosby once pointed out Benny’s shows were far funnier on the air than what was on the printed page. This script is pretty hokey and you may wonder why such corny material was deemed a radio laugh riot. I’ve seen newspaper joke columns of the 1910s and ‘20s. This script reads like Restoration Comedy by comparison. General audience humour was a lot less sophisticated back then.

A few notes of introduction:

Paul Small and Dick “Hotcha” Gardner were vocalists with Olsen. Small was born in 1899 or 1900 in Iowa. By 1935, Small had left the Olsen and Paul Whiteman bands and was commuting from Buffalo to Rochester (New York, not the butler) to sing on a local station. Dick Gardner was a baritone sax player as well as a vocalist. he later owned the “Hot Cha Club” in Urbana, Maryland.

“Baldwin” refers to Harry Baldwin, who was Benny’s private secretary. He left Benny’s employ after being drafted in World War Two but never returned to work for him when the fighting stopped. As the show continued into the 1930s, he appeared on many episodes to “knock” on a door and spout a non-sequitur before disappearing.

Dorothy Ross wasn’t an actress. She was Olsen and Shutta’s private secretary, and also worked for Whiteman and Eddie Cantor. She was born Dorothy Rosenblum and died on June 8, 1953 after a long illness at the age of 49.

Mary wasn’t the only person making a debut in this episode. So was announcer Jimmy Wallington. Wallington left Union College for a job at WGZ Schenectady in 1929 and within a year was an NBC staff announcer. He announced for Texaco with both Eddie Cantor and Fred Allen, for Rudy Vallee and on many other shows. His radio journey took him to NBC’s Monitor in the 1960s and later the Voice of America. He was 65 when he died in 1972. Wallington didn’t last long with Benny for whatever reason; George Hicks was announcing on the show within a few weeks while Wallington was on with Harry Richman. The script in the Library of Congress, by the way, was Wallington’s; his signature is on the first page.

(NOTE TO ANNOUNCER: The following is the station announcement to be used during the fifteen minute breaks.
THIS IS WJZ, NEW YORK
TIME: (    ) – (    )

STATION WJZ
AND
BLUE NETWORK

PROGRAM CANADA DRY GINGER ALE, INC.
DATE WEDNESDAY, JULY 27, 1932
TIME 9:30 – 10:00 P.M. (E.D.T.)

SIGNATURE – JOLLY GOOD COMPANY
1. MARCH ON TO OREGON       ORCHESTRA
2. WHILE WE DANCE AT THE MARDI GRAS      ORCHESTRA & PAUL SMALL
3. WE WERE ONLY WALKING IN THE MOONLIGHT     ORCHESTRA & ETHEL SHUTTA & FRAN FREY
4. HARLEM MOON        ORCHESTRA & ETHEL SHUTTA
5. WITH SUMMER COMING ON      ORCHESTRA & PAUL SMALL
SIGNATURE – ROCKABYE MOON

SIGNATURE – JOLLY GOOD COMPANY
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen. Another half-hour of entertainment about Canada Dry Ginger Ale, now available by the glass at soda fountains, as well as in bottles. George Olsen, Ethel Shutta and Jack Benny, the Canada Dry humorist, again perform for your enjoyment.
George Olsen opens the program with “March on to Oregon.”

1. MARCH ON TO OREGON        ORCHESTRA

ANNOUNCER
Before going any further, I want to congratulate Jack on this first series of twenty-six programs, and I am very happy to announce that it will be continued for at least thirteen more weeks. I have not been announcing on this program, but I have been listening in....and, Jack, I just want to say that I have enjoyed every one of them. Congratulations, Jack.

JACK
Thanks, Jimmy, for reading those words as they are written. And before going any further, I want to congratulate George Olsen for his splendid music which gave this program its pep....George, I never realized how good you were until last Monday when I tried to lead your orchestra, and anybody who can lead that gang deserves credit....Congratulations, George.

GEORGE
Thanks, Jack. And before playing our next number, I want to congratulate Ethel Shutta for her excellent vocal support, and I also want to say that—

ETHEL
Thanks, George...And I want to congratulate Fran Frey for his assistance in these vocals, and—

FRAN
Don’t mention it, Ethel....I think that Paul Small deserves a lot of credit for.....for...

PAUL
Thanks, Fran...and I must congratulate Hotcha Gardner for singing those hot numbers and—

CROWD (ad libbing)
Thanks....thanks, that was great, etc.

(SOUND EFFECT: CANARY WHISTLE)

JACK
That’s the studio canary congratulating the goldfish for being able to stay here for thirteen weeks. And now I want to—

ANNOUNCER
This waste of time comes to you through the courtesy of Canada Dry Ginger Ale, which is now sold at the fountain by the glass. And everybody’s drinking it, or we wouldn’t be here...All right, Jack, your public awaits.

JACK
Hello, several people....that was James Wallington announcing....the big butler-and doorman from the West....and this is Jack Benny....the big hay and feedman from the East....hay and feedman...when a girl passes on the street, I holler “Hey!’ and then I have to feed her...get it?

ANNOUNCER (groans)
Oh, Jack...please!

JACK
You didn’t like that one, eh, Jimmy?

SADYE (laughing)
Oh, I think that’s awfully funny.

ANNOUNCER
Pardon me, Miss...but the guests are not allowed to make comments during our program.

SADYE
I think Mr. Benny is the cutest thing.

ANNOUNCER
SH! Miss....please!

JACK
Well, anyway, this is a great night for us, and we’re all very happy to be here.

ANNOUNCER
Jack, don’t mind that little girl interrupting, but she’s been coming up here to see you two or three times, and seems to be kinda anxious to meet you.

JACK (with force)
I know, Jimmy...but business is business. We’re doing a program now...we can’t have anyone here interfering...(whispers) Who is she? ....do you know her?...(again with force) We haven’t time, Jimmy....this is business. (again whispers) Is that her standing over there? Ooooh!... The next number, ladies and gentlemen, is a request from New Orleans for Paul Small to sing, “While We Dance At The Mardi Gras”, played by George Olsen and the boys.
(whispers) Jimmy, she’s cute, isn’t she?...Go ahead, George.

2. WHILE WE DANCE AT THE MARDI GRAS        ORCHESTRA & SMALL

JACK
Gee, that’s a great number, Paul....I enjoyed that.

ETHEL
Say, Jack, did you see all those telegrams that came for us tonight?

JACK
Yea, kind of nice, isn’t it?

ETHEL
Why didn’t you read them?

JACK
Aw, I’d like to, Ethel...but I’m afraid it might sound like we’re conceited. Say, Jimmy, do you think I ought to read these telegrams aloud?

ANNOUNCER
Certainly...your public is entitled to it.

JACK
I hate to have them think we’re boosting Canada Dry Ginger Ale up here.

ANNOUNCER
They won’t think that....go ahead and read them.

JACK
All right, then...now here’s a telegram from a family in Detroit, Michigan. It says—
“DEAR CANADA DRY:
WE HAVE HEARD ALL OF YOUR TWENTY SIX PROGRAMS
AND WE TAKE OFF OUR HATS TO....AMOS ‘N’ ANDY.”
Well, I imagine they keep their hats on when they list to us.
Here’s another wire. It reads—
“DEAR CANADA DRY GINGER ALE NOW SOLD AT ALL FOUNTAINS”
That’s all it says...Oh, well...the ten words are up....Well, thanks for what you left out.
Oh, here’s a very wonderful tribute from Mr. John L. Dumb-bell, who runs a health resort. It reads—
“DEAR TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
FOR YEARS I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO BUILD UP MY PEOPLE PHYSICALLY BY GETTING THEM TO BED EARLY STOP THEY HAVE HEARD ONE OF YOUR BROADCASTS AT NINE THIRTY AND NOW HAVE TO GO TO BED AT SEVEN O’CLOCK THANKS”
Oh well...early to bed and early to rise...makes you miss lots of Canada Dry’s.
Ah! a wire from that famous inventor who made all this possible--Marconi! He says—
“I INVENTED WIRELESS WHICH IS NOW RADIO...AND AFTER LISTENING TO YOU FOR THIRTEEN WEEKS AM SORRY I STARTED IT.”
I got it, Marc....trying to Mussolini on my jokes.
Well, well....here’s a cable from SCOTLAND...It’s sent to our cable address:
“JACK-BEN-OLS-CAN-DRY” and says
“UP HERE IN SCOTLAND WE’RE ALL DRINKING CANADA DRY BY THE GLASS-GOW”

SADYE
Oh I think that’s swell.

ANNOUNCER
No comment, Miss....please.

SADYE
He says the funniest things.

ANNOUNCER
Quiet, please.

JACK
Now, here’s another telegram from the Twelve Little Listeners in—

SADYE (Laughing)
When you drink Canada Dry, where does the glass go? That’s the funniest joke...Oh, I must tell that to my mother.

JACK
That isn’t what I said, Miss...I said: they’re all drinking it by the glass-gow.

SADYE
I don’t care what you said...I think you’re swell.

JACK
Thanks...now will you kindly sit down until our program is over?

SADYE
Yes, Mr. Benny....you don’t mind if I call you Jack...do you?

JACK
Of course not.

SADYE
Thanks, Mr. Benny.

JACK
What’s your name?

SADYE

My name’s Mary Kurtzinger Livingston...but just Mary to you.

JACK
I’m awfully glad of that...these are only half-hour program [sic], you know. Say, by the way, where do you live?

SADYE (quickly)
Oh, I live in Plainfield...you get on a bus, then you get off at the second stop-light...walk three blocks to your left...then you cut thru the cemetary [sic] and over the hill...then up the road until you see a little red house...and you go right thru the field...and THERE YOU ARE!

JACK
There you are...not me......Well, it was sweet of you to come up here, Mary. Now why don’t you sit down quietly and listen to the rest of our program?

SADYE
All right, Jack.

JACK
I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but these little interruptions are bound to occur.
And now Ethel Shutta and Fran Frey will sing, “Walking in the Moonlight”....and while they do this number, we will prepare for our big banquet in the studio, which our sponsors have so thoughtfully arranged for us this evening.
Oh, George...please don’t mind any little noise you might hear during the next number....you know, waiters, guests, dishes rattling and things like that...

3. WALKING IN THE MOONLIGHT        ETHEL & FRAN

SOUND EFFECT: General commotion; moving of chairs...dishes, glasses and silverware rattling.
CROWD—mumbling, greeting each other, etc.

JACK
What time is it, Jimmy?

ANNOUNCER
Nine forty-five.

SOUND EFFECT: Assorted auto horns – trolley car bells, etc.

JACK
Ah! the limousines are arriving for the banquet....do you think we can take care of all these people?

ANNOUNCER
I think so, Jack. You’d better stay at the door and greet the guests. I’ll help here.

SADYE
Can I help, Jack?

JACK
No, no, no...oh yes. Mary, you check the ladies’ wraps and things.

MARY
I’ll do anything for you, Jack...because I think—

JACK
All right, Mary, here they come.

(MORE AUTO HORNS – PEOPLE TALKING)

GEORGE (whispers)
Look at those evening gowns...some swanky crowd...eh, boy?

JACK
Yes, sir..here come Mr. and Mrs. Who-Aster....nobody asked her, but here she is.. How do you, Mrs. Who?

DOROTHY ROSS (gruff voice)
Say, when do we eat?

JACK
Yes, it’s a charming evening.

SADYE (quietly)
Your wraps, ma’am....

SOUND EFFECT: Footsteps passing, people talking. ETHEL SHUTTA greeting people.

JACK
Waiter, show the lady to her seat.

BALDWIN
This way, Madame.

JACK
Well, well, well!....I am so glad to see you, Mrs. Gotta-Feller...what’s his name? good-evening!

ETHEL SHUTTA (in grand manner)
How do you do?

JACK

You’re looking fine...Mrs. Gotta-Feller, meet Sir James Wallington, Earl of Announcer..

ETHEL
Not Get-Rich-Quick-Wallington!

JACK
No, this is Go-Broke-Slow-Wallington.

(VOICES TALKING AND LAUGHING)

ANNOUNCER
May I show you to your seat, Madame?

DOROTHY & PAUL (together)
How do you do, Mr. Benny?

JACK
Oh, how are you, Mr. and Mrs. Anaconda Copper?...I didn’t expect to see you. Well, well!....and Mr. Worthington Pump. You’re looking great.

BALDWIN
Thanks, Jack.

JACK
Ah! Here come Mr. and Mrs. Electric....how are you, General? (ad lib) Welcome to our Canada Dry Banquet...eat, drink and be MERRY.

SADYE
Did you call me, Jack?

JACK
No, I said....be merry. But you can take the lady’s wrap.

SADYE
All right, Jack....I’ll do anything you say, because I—

JACK
Never mind, Mary, not now. Ah! here comes that little society debutante, Miss Casaba Melon....

DOROTHY ROSS (grand manner)
How do you do?

JACK (mimicing [sic] her)
How d’yuh do? Well, well...Mr. and Mrs. Hoover ..... well, old Pete Hoover of Chicago...hello there, Pete!....and hello, Tessie.

PAUL AND DOROTHY (together)
Hello, Jack. How are you?

JACK
Say, George, who’s that distinguished-looking gentleman over there...in that full-dress suit?

GEORGE
I don’t believe we know him...must be one of the crowd from Newport.

JACK
Good-evening, sir! How do you do? My name’s Jack Benny...I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you.

FRAN FREY
I’m one of the waiters. Where do I go?

JACK
George! Tell him where to go.

FRAN (shouting – heavy voice)
Get your Canada Dry Ginger Ale at the fountain...you can’t enjoy this banquet without a glass of Canada Dry....everybody’s drinking it...step right up to the fountain!

JACK
Say, Fran...we’re not selling Canada Dry tonight...we’re giving it away.

FRAN
Oh, yeah? Well, what shall I do with this nine dollars I took in?

JACK
Give me two and return the rest.......George, will you entertain the guests while they are getting seated?

GEORGE
Sure, Jack.

JACK
A brand new song...Harlem Moon....Ethel, help us out.

4. HARLEM MOON        ETHEL SHUTTA

ROUND OF APPLAUSE. Buzzing of voices – dishes rattling, etc.

BALDWIN
Waiter, bring me a glass of Canada Dry.

DOROTHY
Fill this up again.

ANNOUNCER
The banquet is now in full swing...the hall is filled to capacity and promises to be the biggest affair of the year. I am now turning the mike over to Jack Benny, our toastmaster.

(SOUND OF APPLAUSE)

JACK
Guests....ladies and gentlemen...and George Olsen... I am very happy to see you all here this evening, and we will now proceed with a toast to the champagne of Ginger Ales....Canada Dry...
Here’s to the guy who drinks Canada Dry,
Even as you and I.
And here’s to the glass that’s sold at the fountain
When...when...when the moon comes over the mountain.

CROWD
Horay! Horray for Jack Benny, etc.

SADYE
I think that was swell.

JACK
Now we have several after-dinner speakers here who will say a word or two on conditions in—

[page 15 missing]

Here they go, folks...Olsen jabs a fork at Pot Roast...but missed and stabs Hotcha Gardener in the knuckles...Gardner reaches a long left out for the salad.....Olsen crosses a right for the beans and the waiter ducks...Paul Small reaches for an uppercut of beef and gets his sleeve in the butter...Tunny Fish is now on the table looks fresh on toast....Olsen just came out of a clinch with Asparagus and looks tired, but is coming back for more...How he can take it!...way from the other people.....Wallington just put some cigars on the table...and Olsen is right on the ropes...I mean, the cigars....Olsen bawled out Gardner and Gardner hits him with a fowl.....
(SOUND EFFECT: FIGHT GONG)
as the bell ends the first round, and the food. The time for this was two minutes and forty-eight seconds. Olsen wins and is now the Gravyweight Champion of the World!

(SOUND EFFECT: BANGING OF SILVERWARE ON DISHES AND GLASSES)

JACK
And now we will hear from the great maestro, the Honorable George Olsen, who can play anything Shakespeare ever wrote.

(SOUND EFFECT: MORE BANGING ON SILVERWARE)

GEORGE
Ladies and gentlemen, this reminds of the time I was in Africa—and I—I—I

JACK
Thanks, George...and now we will hear from that charming debutante, Miss Van-Trucking-Van.

PAUL (falsetto voice)
When I first came here from Iowa, I was considered a wallflower. Women laughed at me, and the men shunned me. I didn’t know what to do. Friends advised me to drink water—

JACK
Canada Dry.

PAUL
I mean, Canada Dry....which I have now been drinking for more than two years. I am still a wallflower, but I am not thirsty any more, and owe it all to Canada Dry. (APPLAUSE)

JACK
Now, Miss Trucking-van, you said that of your own free will, didn’t you?

PAUL
No, you gave me a dollar last week to learn it.

JACK
ANOTHER victory for Canada Dry...and now I wish to take advantage of this occasion and say a few words regarding Canada Dry Ginger Ale made-to-order by the glass...Unaccustomed as I am to public speaker—

FRAN
Well, good-bye, everybody...

DOROTHY
Good-night...I had a lovely time.

(OTHER VOICES: Good-bye, etc.)

JACK
When I was a boy of six, I was considered a very weak child—so much so, that when my car broke down, I couldn’t even push it up a hill----

BALDWIN
Well, see you again, Jack. Thanks for asking me up....

ETHEL
Good-bye...

JACK
And I think Canada Dry has done more for me than anything----

OTHER VOICES
Good-bye...had a grand time, etc.

JACK
And in my opinion, Canada Dry was like a mother to me....

(SOUND EFFECT: Auto horns in distance crowd saying good-bye, etc.
Someone calls: Chauffeur!

ANNOUNCER
George, you better play the next number. They’re all walking out on Jack.

5. WITH SUMMER COMING ON         SMALL

JACK
.....and that is why I like Canada Dry Ginger Ale.

SADYE
Mr. Benny.....I mean, Jack...I’m going home now.

JACK
All right, good-night, Mary. I’m glad you came up. Come up again sometime.

SADYE
Monday night?

JACK
Monday – er – er – oh, all right. Goodbye.

SADYE
I thought you were swell...good-bye, Jack.

JACK
That was the last Mary...I mean, the last number on the 26th program on the 27th of July. I want you all to listen in Monday night as we are going to have another surprise....NOVELTY NIGHT...We are going to show how many things can be done over the radio that you never thought possible...we, either. In fact, we don’t even know how we’re going to do them....But time will tell....Well, we’ll see you Monday night...Reserve a dial early. And as they [say] in Walla Walla....good-night...good-night!
SIGNATURE – ROCKABYE MOON

ANNOUNCER
Whenever you stop at a soda fountain for a refreshing drink or a sandwich ask for a Canada Dry ice cream soda or a glass of Canada Dry. Remember it is now available made-to-order by the glass as well as in bottles. Next Monday night at this same time Jack Benny, Ethel Shutta and George Olsen will again entertain you. This is the National Broadcasting Company.