You are dead.
Why? Criswell says so.
Well, he predicted the Earth would be gone on August 18, 1999.
I suspect Charles Jeron Criswell King didn’t care so long as it sold books.
Criswell was around long before Ed Wood, Jr.’s film masterwork. An ad in the Hollywood Reporter of July 29, 1947 advertises him on a radio show on KHJ. Wizard of Odds was hosted by Leo Guild on KFI, dropped after 20 weeks, then picked up for airing on 85 Mutual stations twice a week starting June 24, 19471 and Criswell made regular appearances. “Odds” is an apt description of the Ed Wood-esque Guild, as you can read here. The funny this is, Guild also had a column in the Hollywood Reporter and basically outed Criswell as a phoney (“Seers are no more than amusing,” he wrote)2.
One wonders whether Criswell predicted his life path when he was an ambitious playwright. In 1930, he managed a production about a stock company called “The Semicentennial” in New York3. Six years later, he concocted “The Picture of Dorian Gray” for Broadway. “Closely borders on burlesque,” reviewed Danton Walker of the Daily News, who revealed the producer was the improbably-named Groves Quigley4. Criswell likely didn’t see that Equity would pull its unknown actors because of dispute with non-union stage-hands and was denied the starring role after a re-write of his adaptation5. Undaunted, he and Louise Howard (Mrs. Criswell) mounted Ladies and How in 19386, a musical set in a bordello7. It wasn’t on the boards for long. Criswell and Howard decided to revive “Loves of Dorian Gray” and in 1940 had brought the play to the Footlights Theater at Sunset and Laurel in Los Angeles8.
Then things started getting squirrely. Suddenly, Criswell acquired a doctorate. Listed in the City Directory of 1942 with no occupation, the Los Angeles Times of September 26 that year announced: “Dr. Jeron King Criswell, pastor of the Church of the Inner Voice, will conduct ‘all message’ services at Hollywood Hotel at 8 p.m., Wednesday and Friday.”
He had special powers now, too. The Reporter revealed: “Dr. Jeron Criswell, former pastor of the Fifth Avenue Spiritualist church, New York City, arrives today to serve as technical consultant on RKO’s spook film, ‘The Ghost Ship.’ Dr. Criswell is an authority on psychic phenomena and extra sensory perception, and will apply his theories to members of the cast. Criswell played a stage run in Picture of Dorian Grey here recently.”9 And in 1948, he got mixed up with a yellow-robed, unshaved “Buddhist missionary from Burma” named “Venerable Lokantha” who walked to a lecture over the tresses of 12 long-haired women. “Venerable is not permitted to walk on ordinary pavement,” insisted Criswell, after the Associated Press snapped a photo for posterity10.
By now, you’re wondering when we’ll get to his goofy predictions. Let’s do that now. His “Accurate Glimpse of the Future” was published by Atlas Features in the late ‘40s/early ‘50s. He rooked in people with an offer: “Criswell has agreed to predict for you in a personal letter FREE if you will purchase his lecture ‘The Secret Science of Being Lucky’ for $1” (along with a stamped, self-addressed envelope)11. Among his predictions for 1952:
● Socialized medicine established in spite of AMA protests (still waiting).
● The death of college football and intercollegiate sports (yeah, sure).
● Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner will divorce (he was a few years off).
● $50 TV sets would be made (a rerun prediction, see below).
● Over 100 Hollywood Communists will be jailed on charges of treason by October 15th (nope).
He claimed something like 86% accuracy. The United Press looked ahead and behind in this column of October 18, 1948. Vaguely “predicting” divorces in Hollywood is like predicting the sun rise.
Seer Gives ’49 Cinema Headlines
By ALINE MOSBY
HOLLYWOOD, Oct. 17 (UP)—Today you can read the headlines that Hollywood is predicted to make in 1949, which ought to save you the trouble of poring over 365 newspapers next year. This time-saving service comes courtesy of the seer of the cinema city, Jeron Criswell. Mr. C. lectures and writes about the future, from the price of string beans to the next guy to sit on the White House balcony (he says Dewey).
Criswell also has predicted what the headline makers in town will be up to next year; he says movie bigwigs often consult him on this. Now if Hollywood follows through, you'll be ahead on the news and we can take the year off.
Prediction No. 1: Mitchum's marijuana is a warmup to a dope scandal that will sear 100 Hollywood names in '49!
He further foresees Rita Hayworth with another spouse. And a new California marriage law will turn packs of stars into bigamists, he says.
More future headlines: Famous actor lands in court on paternity charge. Character actor kills self. Head of big studio dies. Crooner and actress divorce.
On Hollywood's working side, Criswell predicts movie business will flop towards the end of next year because a $50 television set will flood the market. Theater tickets thus will nosedive, he says. Hollywood is predicted to grind out technicolor musicals and psychological, pardon the expression, thrillers. Jennifer Jones will win an Oscar for "Portrait of Jenny," for which David O. Selznick thanks Mr. Criswell. The prophet also says Hollywood will have a new Latin American star, and Mary Pickford, Theda Bara, Marion Davies, Mae Murray, Pola Negri, Greta Garbo and Gloria Swanson will try comebacks.
"The era of child stars will end," Criswell added, with satisfaction.
Criswell bases his predictions on “trends, precedents of habit and cycles.” Last year his batting average was amazing.
For 1948 he predicted, in a magazine, a star's suicide around a holiday (Carole Landis' July 5 death), an explosion with fatalities in or near a studio (Hillcrest Country Club blowup), and the deaths of two stars in a May plane crash (Earl Carroll and Beryl Wallace crashed June 17).
He also figured a star would have a nervous breakdown in 1948 (Judy Garland did) and that William Powell would win an Oscar (well, he was nominated).
So far, he missed a couple of '48 predictions. Two top stars are supposed to elope to Mexico, a star was predicted to be deported on smuggling charges and he thought a child actress would file morals charges against a producer. The year isn’t up yet.
Let’s jump up to his January 4, 1978 column. Yes, he was still in print, courtesy of the McNaught Syndicate. He was big on Hollywood suicides and hated sports, it seems.
YOUR INCREDIBLE 1978 -- While December 31, 1978 is the last day on your calendar, you can be assured that the following events will take place. Events always seem more drastic when they are in cold type . . . The complete destruction of a Middle East nation by an atomic bomb! . . . I predict the stirring up of the dregs from the bottom of the oceans, wolving many of the nautical mysteries of the past. Historians will be delighted over the refuse, which will give them a clear and concise truth of the advancement of navigation.
OIL BOOM -- I predict Indiana will have an oil boom second to none along the Ohio-White-Wabash River banks. This long sleeping oil deposit will awaken like a hungry giant and change the history of the Hoosier State.
HEAVY RAINS -- I predict that the heavy rains in the far west will make deserts bloom like the green bay tree and will be the arrow that points to a new salvation.
The parched earth will be oozing with the rains and will give good crops.
FUTURE FRONT PAGE NEWS -- I predict the No. 1 crime in the future will be arson . . . I predict that America will face a revolution in entertainment, wait and see. Outdoor sports will include swim contests and water shows, circus acts and high wire attractions. Human-fly antics on buildings will draw the attention of thousands . . . I predict that brutality in sports will be the most sought-after virtue, and if many of the players can be taken off the field, diamond, court or ring on stretchers, the greater the enjoyment of the crowd. We will hark back to the "bread and circuses" of the Roman Empire.
FROM SCRATCH . . I predict that we will break away from the already-prepared foods and return to the kitchen where everything will be prepared from scratch . . . I predict that there will be a turn to the Conservative vs. the Liberal, and this will reach down to the very heart of politics.
WHAT PEOPLE WILL DO -- I predict Billy Carter will be the number one important man in the life of America, due to his exploits and his open honesty. His battle with the tax officials will endear him to all, plus his beer products will be found in every watering place in the nation. You can expect a "Brave Billy" club in your area soon . . . The CIA will be reorganized from top to bottom soon. This will not be a catch-all, but a new organization of Conservatives . . . I predict a new gossip columnist out of Canada will set the Fourth Estate on fire with her wild gossip similar to Louella Parsons or Hedda Hopper of the gossip heyday . . . I predict that the Africans and Cubans will come to a parting of the ways . . . I regret to predict a series of suicides of famous personalities through overdosage of narcotics.
How serious was all this? Criswell admitted there was a show biz element. “People aren’t interested in hearing about the future unless it’s more exciting than the present,” Newsweek once quoted Criswell as saying. “You’ve got to jazz it up a little.”12
Criswell Predicts From Now to the Year 2000 was not his first book. He and his wife wrote How to Crash Broadway in 1939 with 36 plot ideas to get your play on the Great White Way.
The book was copyrighted and in stores in April 1968. We’ll link to the prediction book below, but among the many duds:
● (Robert F.) Kennedy will be elected president in 1972.
● Denver will be destroyed from outer space on June 9, 1989.
● Fidel Castro will be assassinated by a woman on August 9, 1970.
● The Lady of Light will build a capital on Borneo.
● People will be able to walk from Britain to France.
● The Prince of Darkness will rule from 1975 to 1988 and remove the name of God from books.
● Mexico City will sink into a lake and be extinct by 1985.
● London will be destroyed by a meteor in 1988.
On the other hand, even if you consider the era making this one probable, Criswell stated: “I predict that before October, 1968, one of the leaders of the Negro Civil Rights Movement in the United States will be assassinated.
Martin Luther King, Jr. died April 4, 1968.
As for Criswell’s reaction to his botchery that the world would end on August 18, 1999? There was none. He died in 1982. But you’re not dead. No matter what Criswell said.
1 Hollywood Reporter, June 17, 1947↩
2 Hollywood Reporter, April 12, 1954↩
3 New York Herald Tribune, June 14, 1930↩
4 Daily News, July 21, 1936↩
5 Billboard, August 29, 1936↩
6 Daily News, Feb. 10, 1938↩
7 N.Y. Herald Tribune, Feb. 27, 1938↩
8 Hollywood Reporter, May 14, 1940↩
9 Hollywood Reporter, Aug. 16, 1943↩
10 Rochester Democrat, April 29, 1948↩
11 Erie County Herald, March 6, 1952↩
12 Newsweek, July 15, 1963↩
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