John Crosby quotes dialogue from one of them in his column of July 5, 1946. For those of you who don’t know, the Alsops were columnists Joseph and Stewart Alsop, brothers who wrote with Crosby on the New York Herald Tribune. I.J. Fox was a famous furrier. Mr. Anthony was a counsellor with a radio programme parodied by Allen and others. Maybe Allen thought “refrigerator” was a funny word, as he used it in other giveaway spoofs.
Minerva Pious and Charlie Cantor are the bride and groom. Cantor had been a regular stock player on Allen’s show going back to the mid-‘30s, and his Clifton Finnegan was one of the characters in the early Allen’s Alley sketches before Cantor moved to Duffy’s Tavern. Sid Raymond does an impersonation of Finnegan as Baby Huey.
Love, Honor and Obey
Now and then I get a streak of laziness and let Fred Allen write this column for me. It’s a practice which entrances the Allen fans and violently irritates the non-Allen people. Those in the latter category had best turn to the Alsops this morning, because I feel another streak of laziness coming on.
Last Sunday, on his last broadcast of the season, Mr. Allen, one of the few comedians in radio who writes his own scripts, presented a parody of the “Bride-and-Groom” program. “Bride and Groom” is a daytime program on which a couple is married every day from coast to coast and then laden with gifts from department stores which get a lot of free advertising on the air simply by donating a wrinkle-resistant raincoat. The program represents possibly the nadir in taste on the air, and that alone is sufficient excuse to offer a slightly condensed version of Mr. Allen’s parody, entitled “Love, Honour and Obey.”
ALLEN: Our lovely bride is regal in a flouncing double-breasted Mother Hubbard of stained cheesecloth with an organdy belt drooping in the back. Peeking through the cheesecloth we see m’lady is wearing lavender herringbone puttees. Carelessly over her left shoulder, she is wearing a bear claw—courtesy of I.J. Fox. Before we present our jumbo gift—the Igloo electric refrigerator, I would like to . . .
BRIDE: Where’s the refrigerator?
ALLEN: In a moment, Miss Slinger. And now for the love story that brought this happy couple together . . .
BRIDE: I don’t see no refrigerator.
ALLEN: Later, Miss Slinger. Now, Clifton, tell us about your courtship.
GROOM: (Played by Clifton Finnegan of “Duffy’s Tavern”) I foist seen Beulah about ten years ago—in Gimble’s basement.
ALLEN: Cupid was lurking in Gimble’s basement?
GROOM: I was the store detective. I was just prowlin’ around one mornin’—and there she was.
ALLEN: Beulah?
GROOM: Yeah, she was shopliftin’.
BRIDE: He cased me. Didn’t yer, Clifton?
GROOM: Yeah. She was jammin’ moichandise inter here umbrella. Our eyes met over the garter belt counter.
ALLEN: It was love at first sight?
GROOM: She sees me badge and starts runnin’—being coy.
BRIDE: He cornered me in men’s underwear.
ALLEN: What was your next move, Mr. Finnegan?
GROOM: I pinched her. She became docile.
ALLEN: And that’s how love blossomed?
GROOM: Yeah. In the patrol wagon, through the handcuffs, we was holdin’ hands.
ALLEN: That was ten years ago. And it took you ten years to ask her to marry you?
GROOM: Yeah, she just got out this week.
● ● ●
Here the bride and groom were married by Fenton Boswick, Justice of the Peace, “available at reasonable rates for weddings, births, burials—also oil burners repaired.” The bride brushed aside the ring and inquired anxiously: “Where is the refrigerator?”
ALLEN: And now, Mr. and Mrs. Finnegan, “Love Honor and Obey” has planned your honeymoon. Waiting for you outside is a truck furnished by the Sanitation Department that will whisk you to the city limits. There two men will be waiting to walk you to Niagara Falls. When you return, you will appear as King and Queen of the Fulton Fish Market Flounder Festival. That night you will sleep in the honeymoon window at Macy’s. Breakfast at the Mills Hotel . . .
BRIDE: When do we get the refrigerator?
ALLEN: Right now! There you are—a genuine white casual porcelain Igloo electric refrigerator—and it’s all yours!
BRIDE: Boy, what a beaut!
GROOM: Yeah, I gotta tell Lulu about this. Where’s the phone?
ALLEN: Wait a minute. Who’s Lulu?
GROOM: My wife.
ALLEN: Your wife! Miss Slinger, this is bigamy. We’ve married you to a married man.
BRIDE: So what? Charlie told me it’s okay.
ALLEN: Who’s Charlie?
BRIDE: He’s me husband.
ALLEN: You mean your husband told you to come on this program and marry another man?
BRIDE: How else could we get a refrigerator today?
GROOM: Mr. Allen.
ALLEN: Yes, Clifton.
GROOM: Which way is Mr. Anthony?
● ● ●
This will be the last Fred Allen script to appear here until October, when the Allen show returns to the air. Tommy Dorsey and his band will fill the Allen spot until then, but he isn’t Fred Allen, kiddies.
Here are the rest of Crosby’s columns for the week. On July 1st, Crosby is again harping about quiz shows and creates his own. The next two days are taken up with broadcasts about nuclear tests. On the 4th of July, Crosby is horrified by a local broadcast where real politicians have a bit of innocuous fun with a fake politician, Senator Claghorn of the Fred Allen show. He seems to feel comedy is beneath the dignity of political figures. It’s fortunate he’s not alive today. Click on any of them to enlarge.
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